here we are

Here we are.

Sitting in a white house, above the steaming road, looking out onto a valley of evergreen trees and elderly homes. The walls, the floors, they are old – they are inhabited by laughing  young people, frivolous in their spending, high-powered finance jobs paying for their mortgage. And yet,

here we are.

I am twenty two. I have a job, a title, responsibilities. I have an email signature, my own extension, a work station. At the hospital, in the patient lounge, I hear staff outside say my name, and one say, ‘is she the girl in there?’ – the girl. Can I blame them, thirty years younger than anyone else, turning up in pink converse sneakers, two plaits swinging over my ears? I am in a chasm, a city fringe netherworld where I pay rent, and cook (occasionally) and have a love hate relationship with the fact that some of the windows in the lounge are on a slight slant. I don’t want to grow up, but I want to keep living this Ponsonby-flavoured dream. So I must persist, and I do persist, and here we are.

Writing stories meant for teenagers; using that as an excuse to read stories meant for teenagers. Wishing that I was a teenager still – twisted, I know, but the days of potential, the days of what could be – every day that passes, the dreams die a little. Here we are, twenties, jobs, rent, bills, loans. I thought I would be a blue haired jazz musician authoress by now, with international fame and infamy. I had blue hair, sure, but it didn’t last long, and everything else has either fallen by the wayside or is still a work in progress. I thought I would be in love with a girl – I’m in love with a boy. I thought so much. I still do.

I think, right now, as I sit in my white house, French doors opening, grey pre-dusk clouds sitting above the treetops and skimming over the squat towers along the ridge behind… I think, here we are, Briar. Mask the bitter taste of prednisone with more cranberry-grapefruit juice, and do what you must, and everything will happen, this is the beautiful chaos of reality, and we’re here to see it unfold.

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