The dark and the difficulty

On operations and depression and musical talent wasted. Sorry, more angst before I get back into reviewing. It happens. There is a Banksy poster on my wall – The Girl With The Balloon’. There is always hope. I bought it in a lighter time. Now, even though it is opposite it my bed, I rarely notice that it is there. Unconsciously ignoring the message? Overworked and overwrought; life is catching up on me. Study and work and never saying no to requests for extra hours; trying to create my own things on the side. And on top of all of … Continue reading The dark and the difficulty

curled-up flesh

Pain. Drowning  crinkle-cut curled-up flesh in whitest milk. Obligation lifts the cup, pours it in. No foil-wrapped magic tricks want to have anything to do with it; the capsule sinks below the surface before it can ignite. Flickers as a match might, but with the untiring power of the glowing ember. No end in sight. The worst days were better, because hope was still cradled that the broken parts could be cut away and mended, dead branches and grafts. But the poison is in the tree and eventually there will be nothing left but dried parts broken on the forest floor. All … Continue reading curled-up flesh

this whereabouts

I am drowning in implications and connections. I had my first specialist appointment in months. He didn’t suggest prednisone, so thank gods for that. But I am back on potent-as-hell medication. New stuff (for me, not for the pharmaceutical world) so perhaps it will work better. And a scope on the cards next week, after which I will almost certainly be going on Humira, as long as I fulfil all of the necessary criteria. Humira, by the by, is the brand name for adalimumab, a TNF (tumour necrosis factor – mmm, tasty)  inhibiting drug that is used in the treatment … Continue reading this whereabouts

twenty-four and maybe falling

Arriving home in tears, clutching an absurdly large pizza box (full), after sitting on the bus (full) next to various Wellingtonians who all would have appreciated more elbow space than my pizza permitted. Some foodstuffs just aren’t destined for public transport. It was dark (of course, June, poorly laid plans) and the buying of this ridiculously large pizza seemed like a kind of self-flagellating binge – go buy this giant pizza, and then cry about the fact that you have to eat it buy yourself, because there is nobody to share it with. The judgement and raised eyebrow of another person … Continue reading twenty-four and maybe falling

analgesia

It’s as if my body and mind are taking turns with who gets to be angry at me. For a long time, it has been my mind, and it has been irrepressible – and it’s still there, hovering, threatening to break down again, but for now it is the lesser of two evils. Last night, my first night of being twenty-four (fresh start, new ‘year’, you know) I came the closest that I have ever come to calling an ambulance because of the pain. I spent much of the night writhing, crying, hoping like hell that this wave would pass and … Continue reading analgesia

fears

Tumblr has become my confession box; this place remains slightly more honed. But my most recent ‘yes, this deserves a frenzied Tumblr post’ moment seems to have grown and spread, an idea or a virus. The end result is what will tell the difference, I suppose, but ultimately it is this – what are the fears that are creeping on my mind, and will  writing them out, sending them into the internet (so the world and the ether all at once, audience depending) change anything? Will admitting them in this space lighten the load, or simply provide more ammunition for … Continue reading fears

drained

So drained. So overwhelmed. All I can think about right now is how I don’t have any pictures of Olive and me together. And now there will start to be pictures of Olive and The New and Horrible One. And that really, really depresses me. There is something both hilarious and terrible about being in tears for most of the evening while a movie called ‘LOL’ plays in the background (the French original, not the Miley Cyrus remake, for the record). Here’s hoping my face isn’t too puffy for interactions with Camilla Lackberg tomorrow. Because apparently my current tactic in … Continue reading drained