the official countdown begins

Here are some numbers – I’m 23 years old. I’ve been diagnosed with ulcerative colitis for a smidge over two and a half years. I’ve had IBD-type symptoms for 4-5 years. And in 18 days, I’ll be getting a partial colectomy.

Yes folks, I’m booked for surgery. September 11th, of all days. I will be heading out to the Manukau Surgery Centre, and I’ll be there for at least 3-4 days. Approximately a third of my large bowel will be removed – though they won’t know for sure until they’re going in, of course – my last scope was in June, so it’s possibly that things are looking slightly different, but no matter what, that left side is on its way out.

I’ll wake up with a temporary ostomy, in all likelihood – there’s a lot more risk of things not healing up properly if everything is reconnected straight away. I’ve therefore been eyeing up various sassy wraps and high waisted underwear (some of the ones that Awestomy have are particularly boss, and I’d kind of like a pair regardless of whether or not I had a bag to keep safe!) – but I don’t want to commit in case my stoma winds up being particularly low or high, meaning certain garments would be more or less appropriate, depending.

I’ll also be off work for about a month. If I’d been heading for a total colectomy, it would have been more like six weeks, but a month is what I’ve been advised for this partial colectomy – thank jebus, because I’ve got approximately 18 days of holiday pay accrued (and a day and half of sick leave left), so I should just make it through without having to worry about arranging a temporary sickness benefit, which would only just cover my rent and weekly household expenses, plus $5, so that’s not exactly ideal).

I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t nervous – now that I have an actual set-in-stone date (and it’s only two and a half weeks away!), it’s all even more real. I’ve had the initial consultation (which I’ve probably mentioned already), I’ve had the preemptive MRI (to check in on my small intestine – jury’s still out on that one, to the best of my knowledge, so I’m still hovering in the ‘could-it-maybe-be-Crohn’s?’ camp), and next I have the actual final pre-surgery appointment on the sixth. And the the big show the next week. I know there are risks involved, obviously. That’s the scary part. But most of all, I am excited that there is finally progress being made. Something is getting done. It’s not the final solution – there’s another operation or two before we even think about being at that point, but it’s something – and the idea that I could wake up with most of my pain and problems gone… that’s pretty fabulous.

I’ll definitely be keeping y’all posted as things progress.

Eeek.

Love and guts,

Briar

an ode to blood and guts

and the blood
always blood
it comes
and it goes
but it’s always back

and the pain
how one deludes oneself
into rationalizing it
until it returns
and it twists between
organs
and connective tissue

and the prisons
of different sorts
small rooms
boxes, suffocating
and the mind
and the belly
and the fact
that you can’t
sever the connection

no epidural to be given
as in childbirth
no window of hours
or of days
before it will be gone
women will scoff
yet i would trade them
with absolutely certainty
i will take your pain
and the knowledge of
a squalling prize
the knowledge that
it will be done soon
i can say no such thing
while demons pluck
at my abdomen
eking out some kind of
hellish melody