14 WAYS TO HAVE A RAD TIME, EVEN IF YOUR SIGNIFICANT OTHER IS THE PORCELAIN THRONE.

So, I always enjoy reading lists that bloggers like Gala Darling create – inspirational lists of things to do, places to go, ways to cheer yourself up, ways to celebrate life… all kinds of things. Thing is, by its very nature, IBD – or even severe IBS, I’ll admit it – kind of limits your social/adventuring options. So, I bring to you…

14 WAYS TO HAVE A RAD TIME, EVEN IF YOUR SIGNIFICANT OTHER IS THE PORCELAIN THRONE.

[Section 1 – at home! since, you know, if you’re sick, home is often where the heart, and the head, and the wHole body are]

1. Bubble bath. Perks include – it can calm you down (and stress can be a factor for some people with bowel problems), you can douse yourself in all kinds of sparkly delicious smells to disguise any (probably imaginary, but no less disturbing!) lingering odours that you may be inflicted with, AND, most conveniently, more often than not, it’s the same room as your toilet. SUPER WIN.

2. Bring your world to the bathroom. I’m talking iPod docks, books, laptops/tablets/phones, you name it, it will enhance the bathroom experience.

3. Dance party. If you’re up to it, shaking your groove thing can be very cathartic.

4. Cooking something fabulous. Since nobody knows your own specific colon/digestive system idiosyncrasies better than you do, cook some amazing feast that caters to your specific dietary requirements. Alternatively, junk food that fits your needs is good too. Sometimes, eating ‘healthy’ can be hard for a low-residue dieting IBDer, but hey, if you want an excuse to gorge on something ‘bad’ under the guise of ‘it’s the only thing I can digest except poached chicken!’ I say MORE POWER TO YOU.

5. Redecorating. Having a room/home that you actually like to be in seriously enhances the experience of being at home, and if you’re stuck at home because your colon is telling you that that’s the only thing doing right now, then between voyages to the loo, contemplate how your room could be more badass, and make it happen.

6. Movie/TV show marathoning. Before I ‘knew’ I was sick – but was symptomatic, and depressed, and therefore basically never leaving the house if I could help it, I got through a hell of a lot of Gilmore Girls and Buffy. My life is better for having those shows in my life. Good can come of being a brain-addled, pipe-twisted couch potato!

7. WRITE! Case in point. To be honest, though, when I was at my worst, I was also not really in the right mindset for writing. These last few months have played host to my largest writing output, both blogging and creative writing, in year. But capture what moments you can. You never know how good it might be to look back and see how far you’ve come.

[section 2 – AWAY from home! scary! but possible!]

8. Go to the beach. So, this may sound wacky on several levels, especially for those of you reading this from wintery northern hemisphere climes, but with a little forethought, beach-tripping can be totally doable, even if you’re not at your best. I think the trick is to find a moderately-frequented beach – one that’s popular enough to have more than one public toilet, ideally one that’s actually occasionally cleaned, but not so popular as to mean you’re going to be queuing for ages and risking major bikini-bottom trauma. Let’s be honest – it’s a possibility. Swimming’s not even essential, nor is lying in the sun – just find a shady tree (pohutukawas are best for it, if you’re lucky enough to live in my part of the world) and listen to the waves. Build a sand castle – hell, build a sand-toilet-idol. LIVE THE SUMMER DREAM.

9. Catch a ferry somewhere. Sticking to the seaside theme, if you live somewhere with a harbour, hop on a ferry – they have bathrooms! – and go somewhere new. Or somewhere old. Or anywhere, really. Enjoy being out on the ocean. It’s a damn fine thing.

10. Movies. Your friends will love you for being the one who ‘takes one for the team’ when you offer to take the seat at the end of the row. Little do they know (or maybe they do) it’s just smart planning. Keep your ticket on you. Avoid popcorn, unless a) your intestines don’t have an aversion to it, in which case yay! lucky you or b) you know you’ll have a delayed reaction and that buttery goodness is worth the repercussions. I feel ya. I’ve been there. It’s bittersweet.

11. Art galleries/museums. Major galleries and museums will generally be pretty well kitted out for public facilities – and what’s more, often they’ll give you a handy dandy map when you go in, WHICH SHOWS YOU WHERE THEY ALL ARE. It’s like they’re made for us. Just make sure you check out the map before you go wandering into any old wings that may not be quite so well equipped, okay? Nothing like hobble-running through a voclano-exhibit to try to catch the train on time.

12. Visit your parents/grandparents/siblings/close-and-understanding friends. Especially the first two – always good to keep those that brought you into being happy. A way to leave the house and still have unfettered access to a bathroom? It’s possible! Plus depending on the parent/grandparent/sibling/close-and-understanding friend in question, who knows what kind of delicious baked goods they might unleash upon you?

13. Gigs. I’ll admit, I do still get a little anxious going out to concerts, and, realistically, going to the symphony may not be ideal for the colonly-challenged, but a gig at a regular ol’ bar or rock club? Totally doable. Stay away from major crush areas, towards the side or the back – or even a mezzanine, if there is one – and you’ll benefit in more health and safety related ways than just having an easy UC/Crohn’s escape route. I’d recommend scoping out where the bathrooms are beforehand, though, and maybe steer clear of venues you know have poor lavatory hygiene. Get wrapped up and absorbed in the music, and it’s amazing how, even for a couple of hours, intestines can miraculously settle down.

14. Bush walks. I guess you overseas folks would be more likely to call it hiking, but here, bush walking suits me just fine. This isn’t exactly recommended if you’re in the middle of a mega-flare, but if you’re in a bit of an in-between place like I am, it’s not impossible. No big quests, mind you, but take a drive out to somewhere gorgeous – where the drive is part of the fun – with a small loop track. If you’re in Auckland, check out the Hunua Falls – you can loop down to the falls and back (and by back, I mean the carpark with a Department of Conservation administered toilet block, chur, guys!) in ten minutes, if you need to. You can venture further up other tracks if you want, but even just that little track take you through old forests and up to the beautiful waterfall and the big waterhole thing it falls into. Glorious.

I may add a second installment of this list at some time, especially as I explore the world of not-constant-symptom-ness and what is possible in it. You can do anything is a foolish adage for the chronically ill – but am I going to let that stop my imagination running wild? Hell to the no.

things to do while stuck in the bathroom

Reading the backs of shampoo bottles can only get you so far when you’re on intimate terms with the bathroom. Here’s a handy list of ways to wile away the agonising hours (if you add up colitis bathroom time, it gets a little scary!) in the loo.

  • do your nails. Only applicable when you’re not in writhing pain.
  • put on moisturizer. Nothing like a bit of tearing up to help it soak in!
  • listen to music. Especially good if you’re worried about unseemly noises, just bring along a iPod dock and crank it. Although, let’s be honest, if you’re at the point where you’ve been diagnosed with an IBD, noises are probably the least of your concerns. But you can choose music to suit your pain/movement mood! O Fortuna is best reserved for special occasions.
  • wail in pain. Because sometimes it’s all you can really do.
  • sing. Not just for the shower anymore! Serenade your flatmates with your musical prowess!
  • cry.
  • read. A Kobo or Kindle is your best friend. Best thing is trashy teen novels that you secretly want to read, but don’t want the perceived shame of carrying around the book itself. Plus they are generally fairly straightforward when it comes to reading comprehension, so you’re unlikely to miss anything crucial is your eyes glaze over during particularly bad waves of pain.
  • internet. Whip out the old smartphone. Read up on the news, or check out a colitis/Crohn’s forum or support group. I’m a particular fan of IHaveUC.com and both the CrohnsDisease and IBD subreddits on everyone’s favourite Front Page of the Internet.
  • text people. I’m terrible at remembering to contact people, so the bathroom is sometimes my go-to for responsible daughter text messages to my mother.
  • ponder. Eg. when will the drugs work / should I just get surgery / should I just get surgery NOW by myself with a kitchen knife / was the cheesecake worth it
  • philosophise/theorise. If Archimedes could make scientific discoveries in the bath, why can’t you do it on the loo?
  • or just think about how delectable those painkillers are going to be when they start kicking in.